“doesn’t feel like much. it’s funny how used to some things we become. It’s always been really hard to believe in myself about this. Writing wasn’t something that came naturally to me. Creating came naturally—but writing was very hard
“I lived with my sister, helping with her kids, in 2011-2012. I taught myself how to write and completely redid so much of the things that I had kind of jotted together and kind of written (sort of fan fiction-like) during adolescence. Like you have kind of noticed previously, I am a thinker and I think myself into holes. I only started taking myself seriously recently because I thought: “Wow, maybe if I had actually done what I felt God wanted me to do when I was told instead of doing so many other things—maybe if I had believed in him instead of not believing in myself—maybe I would be somewhere now. maybe I would have done something with my life.”
“So I decided to work this month and finish it up. But I’ve been really struggling with the thoughts that I always struggled with—that my story isn’t good enough and that I’m not a good enough writer. More than that, that my book will come to nothing. That it’s all a waste of time.
“So I have never trusted God with it consistently because of that. And I am saying all of this to you because I needed to talk to someone. Yesterday I was just so overwhelmed with feelings of inadequacy and meaninglessness. But I’ve told myself at various times over the past year that I don’t know what God will do with this. Maybe it will become widely read—maybe it will never be published. It isn’t my decision to make. It’s God’s decision. My job is to be faithful and not think about the end result. I need to be humble and just submit. Amen
“But I have done something with my life. God has changed me so much over the past two years that it’s incredible. They weren’t wasted years. I didn’t do many (if any at all) of the things that regular foreigners do; I was usually struggling with one spiritual battle or another, consumed by some pain within me. But God did so much and I am grateful even if I can’t truly feel grateful. I know that he changed my life into one worth living.
“I just felt that I needed to add that in order to rectify what I had written earlier. The time that I spent disobeying God wasn’t wasted. It was spent making me into a person who could actually write this book, who could write about the issues and pain.
“You were not expecting any of this. I can’t apologize for being super real with you, but I probably shouldn’t have done it in this format or while you were an unsuspecting recipient.”